DON'T SHOOT
YOUR FUTURE.
8 brutally honest (and mildly hilarious) reasons why getting behind the wheel drunk is the worst decision you'll ever almost make.
8 REASONS TO PUT THE KEYS DOWN
Spoiler: none of them end well for you.
YOUR BRAIN IS ON AIRPLANE MODE
Alcohol tells your brain everything is fine. Your brain believes it. Your brain is a liar. Reaction time tanks, depth perception vanishes, and you genuinely think you're driving better than everyone else.
YOUR CAR DOESN'T THINK YOU'RE FUNNY
A 3,000-pound vehicle does not care about your vibes. It goes where physics tells it to go. Drunk you just removed the person who argues with physics.
YOUR WALLET WILL CRY
A DUI will cost you $10,000–$25,000 when you add up fines, lawyers, towing, insurance spikes, and lost wages. That's a lot of Ubers. Like, a LOT of Ubers.
THE JUDGE IS NOT LAUGHING
License suspension, mandatory classes, ignition interlock devices, probation. You'll explain your DUI on every job application for years. Fun party story? Not really.
UBER EXISTS. USE IT.
You have a supercomputer in your pocket that can summon a stranger to drive you home for $12. There has never been a better time in human history to not drive drunk.
SOMEONE'S MOM WILL CRY
It might be a stranger's mom. It might be your own. Either way, nobody in that scenario is having a good night. You have the power to keep everyone's mom tear-free tonight.
THE BEER WAS NOT WORTH IT
You had a great time. You really did. But the moment you decide to drive, you're gambling everything — your record, your freedom, other people's lives — against getting home 8 minutes faster.
YOU LITERALLY CANNOT PARK
If sober you struggles to parallel park, drunk you is going to treat an entire city block like a bumper car arena. Your car. Other cars. A fire hydrant. None of them signed up for this.
"I thought I was fine to drive. I was not fine to drive."
— Everyone who has ever driven drunk, eventually
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